Aprils Fools 04/04/2008

I originally wrote this a few days back...just getting to posting it:
   It's March 27th, 2008. Do you know where your children are? Chances are meticulously planning a prank for next Tuesday. 'Why?' you might ask, if you are retarded, well because next Tuesday is April Fools Day. Yes that's correct there is actually a holiday for people to be assholes to one another. THE MOTHER OF ALL NON-HOLIDAYS! Halloween comes in a close second but at least then I can always poison kids who came to my house dressed as *fill in main character of #1 box office smash action hit of last summer here* and nobody would know. If I do it as an April Fools joke I'd have to take credit for my work by screaming "APRIL FOOLS" before the kid dropped on the floor unconscious because really it just isn't correct on April Fools to not take credit for your work. Also if neighborhood children start dropping without any explanation then well some people might start thinking that they have some sort of psychopath on their hands and nobody wants that. At least on Halloween the risk of death is already willingly taken by whoever is stupid enough to go door to door asking for candy. Here the victims are not idiots who want this. They are innocent victims of cruel sadistic tricks.
    Well fine, April Fools is ok, I guess. This lets the maniacs have a day to let out all of their craziness and not go shoot up their local FedEx on some hot day in August. Also, the rest of us have nothing to worry about the other 365 days of the year because, well, hey they got their day and now easy street, no worries for another year, right? Wrong! Everybody still plays practical jokes on people other days of the year, whenever the hell they please. So what the hell is the point of this day. Its a Fool's World where everyday is April Fool's day, so what the hell is the point of a specific day? If anything April 1st is the one day of the year everyone will expect a practical joke and therefore that is the dumbest day to do one. It's not like we have a holiday called "Go to Work Day" where everybody does what they are supposed to. Then again I guess more people play practical jokes on one another then actually do what they are supposed to, so "Go to Work Day" would actually make more sense.
    The one day nobody expects a practical joke is March 31st because well after all, everyone is going to do one on April 1st so nobody would ever do one the day before, its the calm before the storm, and though I hate the "holiday" if something has to be done do it the day before so at least that way you will be slightly different and much smarter. However, you have to plan ahead. Thankfully I applied for my gun permit March 14th so my two week waiting period will be over before March 31st. See you all Monday!


When I was younger I went to this Intellect Center more or less every Sunday from 10AM - 1PM for 5 years straight. In this place there were numerous "groups" ranging in, though the owner would not like to admit, smartness, of course with such a range of vocabulary as I just showed (comon, who can beat smartness?) I was obviously placed in the smartest group (because really if I wasn't would I ever tell you this story?). The group consisted of about 5 - 9 people with a good 3,4 of whom I knew incredibly well. For the last 2 years I have not went there and, to my knowledge, neither have any of my friends.

Then this Monday I get a call from the owner stating that because it is the 10th Annversary of the Intellect Center he is inviting back, this Saturday, all of his best students. I remembered when the 5 year annversary took place. I had only recently begun going there but I distinctly remember whooping the asses of all of the "older" people who had already left the center. I felt (as I should of) so proud. Now thinking back on this moment I am scared to death because I know that when the time comes (tomorrow) we are all going to get intellectually raped by those who are numerous years younger then us...ohh what an embarrasment it will be. I quickly call all of my friends to see if they are going, thinking either maybe with enough brain power we can win or at least I won't look like the only complete and utter dipshit there. Thankfully, or so they said to me, most of them are coming, so at least we will look like idiots together (somehow that makes it seem alright).

When it just premiered I watched "Are You Not Dumberer than a Mentally Retarded Chimp with Alkhimers?" laughing at the idiots on stage thinking, god how do you not know that 4 is the next number after 3. Now that I think about it, I have to admit, that though I might not be dumberer now by the time I am become elligiable to go onto the show I am almost certain that I will also be "not smarter than a 5th grader" (ohh look at that I remembered the title).

Oscar's a comin! 01/23/2008

Well that isn't really a correct statement what with the WGA strike (YOU KNOW WHAT IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO GO ON SUCH A LONG STRIKE WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ASKING FOR MORE YOU GREEDY EVIL BASTEREDS!!!) there might not even be any Oscar's this year. I am proud to say that out of the 5 movies nominated for best picture I have seen 2 of them and want to see two others (...yeah you heard me right Atonement I want to only see 2 others...). The two I saw were Michale Clayton and No Country For Old Men both amazing films though No Country is superior. I'd make Oscar predictions but I haven't seen all the films so I'd just be regurgitating what others have already said. Still here is a shout to everyone to go see as many Oscar contenders as possible not so you can seem intelligent come (?) award night but just for your own enjoyment and so that you can seem intelligent after and before award night also.

No Country For Old Men: Simply put an amazing thriller (and I am not a fan of thrillers) with a great cast and possibly the best villain in movie history (if not the top 5 for sure). I will be shocked if Javier Bardem does not win the Oscar for best supporting actor.



I'll be the first to say that human contact (as in talking to others) is highly overrated. The English language is said to have more words than any other language in the world yet it's never possible to truly express your emotions about well anything simply with words, from talking about something stupid like a bum attacking you on the subway to something more far more complex like love one always breaks out into creating many different expressive (yet still equally unhelpful) hand gestures (among other parts of the body) or begins to turn red as he mumbles under his breath something that sounds like profanities or German (which one of these applies to love and which one to the attacking bum one can never be sure of as all people are different, or as your mother would say special as long as both do not occur at the same time you are usually in the clear.

If you somehow manage to find somebody that is actually on your intellect level chances are that you two have completely different interests or when having a conversation with one another (aka arguing) get frustrated that neither one of you can seemingly win the argument and result to, what I believe to be the cornerstone of civilization, unnecessary, unprovoked violence.

Seeing as this is how I think, the logical thing for me to do is to create a blog. This way I can write whatever I damn well please and have it only read by people with about the same level of intellect (there has to go be a better word for it than intellect but I'm not going to think) as me since those below mine would not understand this and get either bored or frustrated and those above mine would consider this too simple and get bored or frustrated (maybe the geniuses are also the idiots?). Also if I am unpleased by a person's comment to what I write I can easily delete it as if they never said (technically wrote) anything.

With all this said, I am unhappy that I do not have a lot of visitors on this site. I admit that a minute ago I stated that human contact is overrated and am now asking for more of it (in one form or another). Now you may ask yourself why. Good question. To this wonderful question you just spontaneously brought up there is an idiotic answer and a smart answer. My answer: I am a hippocrate. Whether this is the smart or idiotic answer is completely up to you, but I think you can all guess in which category I think it falls...


I have just finished reading my first book since September (how utterly pathetic) and its a collection of essays so I can't even say its really a book as in a novel but still I am proud. Titled "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris (brother of the actress Amy Sedaris) the book is (as stated earlier) a collection of essays he wrote about events that happened in his life. This is the second book that I have read by Sedaris (after "Naked") and though many people believe "Naked" to be his best book I have to say I enjoyed this one a lot more. Maybe because I knew what I was going into when I started, maybe because this one seemed more believable, maybe because this one was filled with more short stories while that one had longer ones a few of which failed disappointing me much more after reading 50pgs as opposed to this book where even if a few stories where not too good they only took 10-15mins at most to get through and therefore could be forgiven especially considering how many good ones there were. This being said a warning must be given: Sedaris writes in a way that is many times very vulgar and crude, talking about some subjects that I believe many would not discuss with even the closest of friends and at times being quite mean to other people he write about. This being said even though the writing is cruel and vulgar it is at the same time (somehow) very eloquently written showing a vast knowledge of the English language. This book is not for everyone. This book is not for most. There are some stories that can be read by all that are also wonderful yet there are also quite a few that your average America will be very displeased with. But for those who have (the many times) sardonic sense of humor and the stomach for some of the things he writes will be pleased with this nice collection of essays. Simply put (for those who know me) if you have my sense you humor you will enjoy this book.


"Crash"...burned 11/23/2007

Ohh imagine my excitement as I sat down this Friday evening to watch what is said to be the best film of 2006 (I mean it won the Oscar for Best Picture so how can't it be amazing?). But before I get into that let me just give you all a synopsis first: (taken from movies.aol.com)

Issues of race and gender cause a group of strangers in Los Angeles to physically and emotionally collide in this drama from director and screenwriter Paul Haggis. Graham (Don Cheadle) is a police detective whose brother is a street criminal, and it hurts him to know his mother cares more about his ne'er-do-well brother than him. Graham's partner is Ria (Jennifer Esposito), who is also his girlfriend, though she has begun to bristle at his emotional distance, as well as his occasional insensitivity over the fact he's African-American and she's Hispanic. Rick (Brendan Fraser) is an L.A. district attorney whose wife, Jean (Sandra Bullock), makes little secret of her fear and hatred of people unlike herself. Jean's worst imaginings about people of color are confirmed when her SUV is carjacked by two African-American men -- Anthony (Chris Bridges, aka Ludacris), who dislikes white people as much as Jean hates blacks, and Peter (Larenz Tate), who is more open minded. Cameron (Terrence Howard) is a well-to-do African-American television producer with a beautiful wife, Christine (Thandie Newton). While coming home from a party, Cameron and Christine are pulled over by Officer Ryan (Matt Dillon), who subjects them to a humiliating interrogation (and her to an inappropriate search) while his new partner, Officer Hansen (Ryan Phillippe), looks on. Daniel (Michael Pena) is a hard-working locksmith and dedicated father who discovers that his looks don't lead many of his customers to trust him. And Farhad (Shaun Toub) is a Middle Eastern shopkeeper who is so constantly threatened in the wake of the 9/11 attacks that he decided he needs a gun to defend his family. Crash was the first directorial project for award-winning television and film writer Haggis. ~ Mark Deming, All Movie Guide

I wouldn't say it was a complete waste of time and I am glad that I finally got to see it. But truthfully though I can't say this film was horrible and that it doesn't have heart or at least tries to be good I just couldn't fall for it no matter how hard I tried (and I really did try) I just didn't believe it, and though it is nice when seemingly completely unrelated stories intervene it is a very hard thing to accomplish without having it seem like completely b.s. or way too coincidental. I found a bit of the former and a lot of the latter in this movie.  All I can say since this film did in fact win Best Picture last year and was liked/loved by most critics is that you should see it for yourself and form your own opinions. I'd personally suggest a viewing of "Night on Earth" but everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

Crash: B-/C+

Unlucky # Seven 11/21/2007

The follow is a review of the 2006 film "Lucky Number Slevin"

Here is a brief synopsis of the "plot" (taken from movies.aol.com):

A case of mistaken identity lands Slevin (Josh Hartnett) into the middle of a war being plotted by two of New York City's rival crime bosses: The Rabbi (Ben Kingsley) and The Boss (Morgan Freeman). Slevin is under constant surveillance by relentless Detective Brikowski (Stanley Tucci) as well as the infamous assassin Goodkat (Bruce Willis) and finds himself having to hatch his own ingenious plot to get them...before they get him.

Ohh...where to begin with this convoluted piece of shit. First of all even if you can get passed the fact that more or less everything that occurs in the film is completely coincidental and simply preposterous at the end its still a shitty simple action film. Add on to this the fact that the "bad guys" are portrayed by two amazing actors (Morgan Freeman and Ben Kingsley) makes this even worse. Many times I say about certain films: "Well the film wasn't good but at least the actors were." In this case it would be better if the actors were less known to me because watching such good and distinguished in such shitty roles is just simply painful. A few funny, smart lines but mostly crap.

Lucky Number Slevin: D (60)


I've recently seen two films titled "Being John Malkovich" and "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" both aren't really what you'd call a conventional movie.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I loved Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. I thought it was one of the funniest films I have seen in years and though there were numerous cliched parts the writers knew those parts were cilched and actually admitted them to the audience and from that point built on them making even the worst parts great. If you know me and have a sense of humor somewhat similar to mine then this film is a must see but truthfully I am not sure if this film would appeal to everyone.

God, where to begin with Being John Malkovich. Well I recently watched (for the first time) The Big Lebowski and I thought that was the craziest film I ever saw. Well, I was wrong. This is most certainly, the craziest film I ever saw it will leave you either thinking, slightly/very profoundly confused, slightly/very profoundly disgusted, slightly/very profoundly angry at me for telling you about this, and most likely a little bit from all of those categories. Its a crazy, crazy film and I can't really say that I liked it at all or hated it completely all I can say is its different and if you want to see it at least know that it won't be a complete waste of time cause I am pretty sure you will never again see anything like this.

(The trailers for both of these films can be found below)

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: A-

John Malkovich: C- (I think)


(The video above is a trailer for Gone Baby Gone)

Synopsis (taken from www.movies.aol.com):

'Gone Baby Gone' is Ben Affleck’s directorial debut and is based on the novel from the acclaimed author of 'Mystic River.' It is an intense look inside an ongoing investigation about the mysterious disappearance of a little girl. Two young private detectives (Casey Affleck and Michelle Monaghan) are hired to take a closer look at the case and soon discover that nothing is what it seems. Ultimately, they will have to risk everything -- their relationship, their sanity, and even their lives -- to find a little girl lost. The film also stars Academy Award Winner Morgan Freeman
('Million Dollar Baby') and Academy Award Nominee Ed Harris ('Pollack').

Now let me just start out with two things. First of all from the synopsis this seems a bit formulaic (detectives looking for a missing child ohhh never seen that before) but it is not. The movie is very well done with many different plot twists that keep you guessing. Also the movie is made so that after seeing it you and whoever you saw it with will probably have a good long argument about the ending and the various actions that different characters take. Second of all I know many people will see directed by Ben Affleck as a huge turnoff, but I am begging you please do not let the fact that he is a director make you not want to see this film, if anything its a good things that he is the director since the film (which is shot in his hometown of Boston) depicts the life in that part of the city very genuinely. Overall its a great film with wonderful performances by Casey Affleck (Ben's brothers) Michelle Monaghan (from the film 'Kiss Kiss Bang Bang' expect a blog about that either later today or tomorrow) Morgan Freeman (who I love no matter where he is, well except Evan Almighty even with Freeman and Carell there is no chance I am going to see that film) and especially Ed Harris who gave, in my opinion, the strongest performance out of everyone (and thats saying quite a bit when every actor in the film is so talented). Nevertheless, if you had to choose I would say go see Clayton first (but both films are great).


Rating:A- (90)


Monday night and there is nothing on tv? WELL YOUR WRONG YOU IDIOT!

First of all the #1 show to watch on Monday night is How I Met Your Mother on CBS at 8PM Eastern (No, I don't know when it is central and pacific but yeah you figure it out). Its a hilarious comedy that frankly isn't what I would consider really offensive or crude and nevertheless a funny one and you people without cable can also watch it. Now this show does not have good ratings so please do me a favor and watch it before it gets canceled and I pass out again and wake up in a pool of blood. It has happened before. When arrested development was canceled I awoke in a pool of blood with 15 human heads and 25 kitten heads lying on the floor with the words "Gobias Industries" written all over the walls. Don't let it happen again. Ohh umm and yeah thats last weeks episode not the funniest but still funny umm by the way when they say "they met online" you later find out they met up on World of Warcraft hah classic. SO WATCH!!!